


Five Weeks

by irena_adler



Series: Watson [85]
Category: Numb3rs
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, Episode Remix, Episode: s04e01 Trust Metric, Family Drama, Heavy Angst, M/M, Multi, Partner Betrayal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-05 04:51:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14609742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irena_adler/pseuds/irena_adler
Summary: What happened after "Janus List".  My reframing of the episode "Trust Metric" for the Watson 'verse.Colby is in jail for being a double agent.  Those left behind try to make sense of their shattered lives.  Charlie goes to extreme measures to survive.  Can this extended family ever be put back together?





	1. Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don watches Charlie not cope.

**Part 1 – Between** ****

   
Charlie didn’t find the solution.

He just stopped working on it.

Seven days after Colby had been arrested, right in the middle of a chalkboard, Charlie stopped, deliberately put down the chalk, and walked out of the garage.Don didn’t recognize that anything had changed, at first.Even Charlie had to take a bathroom break once in a while.Don just continued reading his newspaper until Charlie had been gone too long.He found Charlie in the house, calmly putting papers into his briefcase.He’d even showered and shaved.When asked, he said that he had a class tomorrow and was going into his office to prep.Don followed him out to his car and watched him drive away.

Initially, Don was relieved.Until he slowly realized, over the next week, that Charlie hadn’t just stopped working on the problem, he’d stopped being Charlie.

He had become Professor Charles Eppes.With a vengeance.

Not only did he prep for and teach all of his classes, work his office hours and grade papers his TAs normally would, he responded to all of the invitations he’d received over the years for guest lectures in other classes and other departments.He talked to classes in psychology, law, physics, and more – and not just at CalSci.He drove to local colleges, high schools, elementary schools.He flew to more distant locations, returning only in time for his next class.Even when he was home, he wasn’t Charlie.He slept, ate, worked on papers for publication, and responded to questions about his state of mind with blank incomprehension.Don even had the odd feeling that Professor Eppes was dating Amita again, but he sincerely hoped he was wrong about that.He couldn’t help but notice that Charlie was no longer wearing his wedding ring.The mention of Colby’s name in Charlie’s vicinity would cause a slight twitch, then a complete and forceful changing of the subject.

As for himself, Don was able to forget about Colby for hours at a time.Then he’d turn to his team … and find only Liz and the perpetually-angry David.Megan was gone, officially on leave, but Don privately believed she’d never return.She had been made brittle by her work with the DOJ, and Colby’s betrayal had shattered her into irretrievable pieces.Don had tried to see her, but she wouldn’t return his calls, even when he tried to explain he was just concerned as a friend.As for his remaining team, Liz was quietly efficient, keeping her head down and trying not to provoke David.Everyone, including Don, treated David as a loaded gun with a faulty trigger, a gun which had no safety, no discrimination between friend and foe.Don headed off any departmental attempts to get David into counseling, mostly to protect David from an inevitable firing, but also in a selfish attempt to save the last remnants of his team.

Don would go for days without looking at the tapes of Colby’s confession.Then he would suddenly find himself in the viewing room again, watching the tapes over and over, trying to put his finger on what was so wrong about the interview.Was it Colby’s body language, his easy confession, his eyes?Or was it just that Don didn’t want to believe that he’d been so wrong about a man he’d trusted, loved like a brother?No one he knew went to visit Colby in prison, or even tried to find out if it would be allowed.

When it was time for Nena to return from her vacation with her mother, Alan, Will and Don got together and decided to take the coward’s way out.Don picked her up from school and told her that her daddy was on long, dangerous job for the FBI and everyone was acting so strangely because they were worried about him.He also told her not to let her mother know that Colby was gone.Technically, by the custody arrangement, Nena shouldn’t have kept coming to them, but they couldn’t let her vanish like her father.In a way, Will, Alan and Don clung to Nena as a symbol of their once happy family.Nena became quiet and withdrawn, and got into trouble at school for the first time.

For all of them, time passed, laboriously, as if they were escapees being chased by vicious dogs – but after the initial surge of adrenaline had passed and all that remained was emptiness and the aftertaste of fear.As if the chase had gone on so long that they no longer remembered what it was like to rest, to breathe deeply.As if they wondered if there really were dogs behind them, but didn’t dare turn to look, since confirming the dogs’ existence would destroy their last hope.So they kept putting one foot in front of the other because that is what they’d always done, because there were no other choices, because there had always been the night and the chase and the tearing pain in their chests.Wounded, broken, and stubborn to the death, they stumbled on.

 

Four weeks after Colby had been arrested, Don and Will sat in lawn chairs in their backyard, staring up at the night sky and the few stars that could be seen through the bright haze of an LA night.

Don took a swig of yet another beer and asked, “Do ya think I’ll evuh get my brothurr back?”

Will took a drink from his own beer before responding quietly, “He’s undercover.”

Don turned towards Will, knocking over several empty beer bottles and startling Monster who was sitting under his chair.Don frowned at the retreating back of his cat, at the overturned beer bottles, then at Will.“Huh?”

“Charlie’s undercover,” Will repeated.“He’s created a whole new persona and is living it as thoroughly as if his life depended on it.Perhaps it does.”He twirled the bottle between his fingers then continued, “I’ve been there myself.When being yourself hurt too much to survive, when being someone else was the only choice other than suicide.”

Don felt his eyes well up with tears and knew he was really drunk.Still, he reached over and grabbed Will’s hand.“Don’t ggo.”

Will gave him a warm smile and entwined his fingers with Don’s.“I’m not going anywhere,” he reassured him.

Don groaned, “Thazwhat C-colbee said,” and leaned towards Will.The chair tilted, the world shifted, Will swore.

Don found himself on his back in the grass, blinking up at the night sky, with his head in Will’s lap, their hands still twined together.Will stroked Don’s forehead soothingly with his free hand.

“’Mm drunk,” Don said.

“I know,” Will chuckled.“The signs are subtle but I’m learning to read them.”

Don looked up at him, at the familiar, beloved face, at the earrings which twinkled in his ears like tiny stars.“Doya think ‘ll evuh get muh brothher back?”

Will’s smile faded.“Yeah.Yeah, I do.Eventually, no matter how much you fight it, the real you always comes back.Piece by piece, maybe, but you can’t be someone else forever.Believe me, I’ve tried.And when Charlie starts coming back to himself, it’s gonna hurt like Hell. He’ll really need us then.”

Don nodded, though that made the sky wobble alarmingly.“I miss hmm.”

“Charlie?”

“Yeauh.Whoodda thought.”

“I miss him, too.I miss Colby, too.And just … everybody.Everybody is different now.”

“Meee too?”

“You, too, _aein_.And me.It’s impossible not to be changed by something like this.”

Don sighed and looked around for his beer bottle, then he changed his mind.“Woo-dja take me ta bed?”

Will smiled wryly.“I don’t think you’re up for anything at the moment.”

“Zzzhust wanna be wissthh you.Shhhomplace not grrass.”

Will stroked his cheek.“You got it, love.One non-grassy bed coming up.”

“Don't ggo,” Don mumbled, snuggled up to Will and fell asleep.


	2. Refuge in Another

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie becomes someone else.

**Part 2 – Refuge in Another** ****

Charlie was reaching for his shaver when a thought slipped through the wall that he’d built around himself.

_Colby used to give me the best shaves._

He clenched his jaw so tight he heard something pop, then quickly papered over the crack in his wall with deliberate thoughts – ‘Dr. Charles Eppes doesn’t have to shave.Dr. Charles Eppes can show up to class with a little stubble, no one will mind.’

He put down the shaver and went to his office at CalSci.

 

The next day, Charlie was straightening his tie in the mirror when a thought slipped through again.

_Colby always looked good in a suit._

Charlie quickly averted his eyes from the mirror, from his own gaze, and carefully thought, ‘Dr. Charles Eppes doesn’t need to dress up for his regular classes.The students of Dr. Charles Eppes might enjoy seeing him dress a little more casually.’More paper over another crack.He repeated his thoughts about Dr. Charles Eppes over and over as he took off the suit and changed into slacks and a T-shirt.

 

A few days later, Charlie noticed that his pants were fitting a little tightly.Probably due to all those dinners out with University patrons.He should get back to walking.

_Colby used to walk all the time with me._

‘No,’ he said to himself, yanking hard to get the pants to button, ‘Dr. Charles Eppes doesn’t worry about mundane things like exercising.He’s got a lot more important things to think about.’

 

Dr. Charles Eppes scheduled his trips and lectures so that he’d be gone from home, or at least working very late, every other week.‘It’s just good time management,’ he told himself, and had nothing to do with the sad little girl that lived in his house during those weeks.

 

When Charlie first kissed Amita again, her lips were all wrong.She kissed him back, a sort of desperate, hopeless energy in her kiss.When they had sex, it wasn’t joyful, it was two bodies clinging together, trying to find some connection in the darkness.He woke up next to her in his large bed and only noted that her body was all wrong, all curves and softness, when it should be— ‘Dr. Charles Eppes is heterosexual.Amita is a beautiful, intelligent woman and Dr. Charles Eppes is in love with her.’Those angry looks from his father, the too-understanding looks from his brother, they didn’t matter to him.

 

He found Amita watching him one day as he wrapped up a class.There was a profound sadness in her eyes.It couldn’t be related to him.‘Dr. Charles Eppes loves her,’ and to prove it, he kissed her in front of his students.

“I notice you haven’t done any consulting work for the FBI,” Amita asked.It was the closest that either of them had come to mentioning—

“Don hasn’t asked me,” Charlie said quickly.To himself, he said, ‘Dr. Charles Eppes is too busy, anyway.He’s got more interesting math to do.So many other people want his time.Don can do fine without him.’He made some other excuses, kissed her some more, then took her home.

 

When she walked down the stairs of his house, wearing the T-shirt he’d worn the day before, her hair still mussed from sex and sleep, he only noted that the shirt was too big for her.‘Dr. Charles Eppes should buy her something nice to wear.’

They chatted about academia and math.Math was very important to Dr. Charles Eppes.He didn’t take the math personally and the word ‘Friendship’ didn’t make his fingers spasm.He was cheerful and told stories about his awkward childhood.

His brother and his father emerged from the kitchen and asked him to join them for golf.He debated briefly whether Dr. Charles Eppes liked golf and decided not.

_Colby had the perfect backswing and follow-through._

He stuttered a negative reply about other priorities.Don talked about something amusing while Charlie desperately papered over that new leak.‘Dr. Charles Eppes doesn’t care about golf, or any sports.It’s all about the mind.’

Don was about to leave when his phone rang.He answered it with a wry chuckle, then something about the air around him changed.His face turned serious, confused, tense.

“What’s up?” Alan asked.

Don gathered up his work things and threw the words over his shoulder that punched Charlie in the gut.“Dwayne Carter and Colby just escaped.”

Amita’s head snapped towards Charlie and he realized he must have made some sound.

_Escaped, escaped.Only bad guys escape._

Charlie slammed more walls into place, walls in front of walls until he could barely breathe in his tiny space.He thrust Dr. Charles Eppes out towards the world like he was warding off a blow.

Don yammered about his keys, racing around like a madman while Charlie stared at him.

“Charlie, I think you better help him,” Alan said.

Charlie shook his head.His father didn’t understand that ‘Dr. Charles Eppes doesn’t work with the FBI.’

“You did this before, with chase curves?”

“Pursuit curves,” Charlie corrected.“And they’re not really applicable here, Dad.”Abruptly he realized that Dr. Charles Eppes would come up with something about math to help Don.He choked out math, babbling at first then getting more comfortable as he went on.Dr. Charles Eppes was at the fore.He hardly noticed when Don left.

 

Dr. Charles Eppes got into the car with Amita and they drove to the FBI office just like they did it every day.When he got to the office, he commandeered a room and clear board and sent an agent to get Larry.Dr. Charles Eppes always worked best with Larry around.

Larry was less than happy when he arrived at the office, but by then, Dr. Charles Eppes was able to say, “Colby escaped from jail,” with only a slight hitch in his voice.He was even able to discuss that there might be a personal element involved and refer to the former Agent Granger as ‘the man.’

With Larry there, Dr. Charles Eppes was in his element and he was able to concentrate on the math, even including what Larry characterized as ‘the human element.’

His phone rang and he picked it up, saw an unknown Caller ID and answered it casually.Not many people had his cellphone number so it must be someone he knew.

“Charlie, it’s Colby.”

And a train slammed into his chest.


	3. How to Think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie gets focused.

**Part 3 – How to Think** ****

Charlie gripped the cellphone tightly, the voice in his ear driving a spike into his brain.

_Colby? Cole?COLE?_

“I need to talk to Don,” Colby said quickly.

“Then why call me?” Charlie asked.

_To apologize?To explain?To hurt me some more?_

Colby continued, “Because the FBI doesn’t have enough time to trace me through your phone, Charlie.Think like a mathematician, is there any reason not to put me through to Don?”

_Like a mathematician, not a lover or boyfriend or ... Like a mathematician …_

Charlie raced through the offices, the phone welded to his ear in case Colby said something else, something important, something … personal.

“Uh, no,” Charlie said, at last arriving at Don.Don was on another phone but Charlie thrust his cellphone at him like a ticking bomb.“It’s Colby.”

Don cut off his other phone call and nodded to the tech, who scrambled to start a trace.Charlie waved the phone urgently.It burned his fingers as he waited for Don to take it.

_He didn’t ask me to help him,_ Charlie thought _.If he’d just asked me, I would have picked him up somewhere, taken him anywhere, gotten him money, guns, anything he wanted.But he didn’t ask._

Don took the phone and Charlie snatched his hand back, like from a white-hot fire.

“What, you call my brother?”Don asked.“Is that a threat?”

Charlie struggled desperately to bring back Dr. Charles Eppes. _Think like a mathematician, Colby said.He’s saying, 'Deal with the immediate threat, the immediate problem.I’m in trouble.I need you to be a mathematician.'_

Dr. Charles Eppes snapped back into place and he listened to the playback of the conversation in full analytical mode.He fought not to jump onto Colby’s explanation of his behavior, like a long-drowned man suddenly discovering an extra lungful of air.

“Okay, you don’t trust me, I get that, alright,” Colby said, the urgency and desperation in his voice making Charlie’s teeth ache.“But you have to understand, I trust you.Fact is, you’re the only person that I can trust right now.”

Then he was gone.

And the debate began.

Megan was calm, though Charlie could tell that she also was hopeful.David was angry, snide.Don was methodical.Charlie tried to think like a mathematician, not a hurt friend, partner.How could he help?Mathematically?How could he help decide whether they should trust Colby?

_Wait …_

“Have any of you heard of trust metrics?” he asked and Dr. Charles Eppes took over.

He almost forgot their previous work in the excitement of the new direction, but he remembered just in time to show it to Don.He was proud of how quickly Don interpreted it and made use of it, dashing off to alter his dragnet.

Charlie was able to talk about Don’s state of mind without mentioning his own, and had almost made it through to the next math problem, when Larry insisted on talking about quarks and human identities.

“Larry, I really can’t talk about that right now,” he said, hoping Larry would get the hint.But Larry was never one to let him off easily.

“And you, Charles,” Larry continued.“Have you remained unchanged?”

Charlie’s eyes grew wide.Wide enough that tears might escape.“Of course not,” he said.“But please, can we not talk about this now?”

Larry looked at him for a moment, thoughtfully tapping the marker against his chin, then he nodded.“Okay.”He turned back to the clear board.“How about a terrain guarding algorithm?”

Charlie rolled his eyes, knowing that Larry had deliberately given him something to react to, and started talking about trust metrics.

 

“I let Colby go,” Don said, leaning against a wall in the garage.

“C’mon, you didn’t ‘let him …’” Charlie protested, when he wanted to ask how Colby looked, if he was hurt, if he was scared.He continued, “But we do have to assume he’s beyond the boundaries of my set point, but ...”

“I let him get away,” Don groaned.“I had him, I was looking right at him.”

“Alright,” Charlie said, getting up and turning to his chalkboard.

_Would you have shot him?Would you have_ killed _him?_

He swallowed hard and focused on the numbers.“Were you basing your decision on his statement, his circumstantial context, or a disposition towards giving him the benefit of the doubt?”

“What, are you actually putting it in an equation?” Don asked.

“Of course!” Charlie said with a forced laugh. “It factors into my trust matrix.” _What else do you expect me to do?Colby said to think like a mathematician.I’m trying._

“I just don’t know why I believe him,” Don said, his voice revealing his inner conflict in a way he didn’t usually show.“Unless it’s so simple that I, I don’t want to admit I was wrong in the first place?”

_Or maybe you want to believe it almost as desperately as I do._

Charlie smiled darkly to himself. _Think like a mathematician and think like a brother._ “Don, you have a big ego.”

“Thanks,” Don grumbled.

“No, you have a ginormous ego,” Charlie said.

“Thanks,” Don said with even more sarcasm.

“But you’re not stupid.You made the best decision you could with all the available information you had.” Charlie found an encouraging smile inside himself and offered it to Don.“And if past performance is any indicator, man …You were probabilistically right.”

“Probabilistically, huh,” Don repeated with a twist of his lips.

“I know,” Charlie acknowledged. “Math is full of absolutes and, unfortunately, the rest of life isn’t.”

Don mused on that for a moment as Charlie turned back to the chalkboard.

“Are you …” Don said at last.“Are you okay?”

“I have to be,” Charlie said, his voice catching.“You need me.”

“How can you just … do math about whether you can trust your … life-partner?”

Charlie didn’t look at Don, he just squeezed the chalk holder tighter, the numbers he was writing coming out wobbly.“Because … because I can’t depend on anything else, right now.I want so much …”He sucked in a shaky breath.

“Yeah,” Don said softly.He got to his feet, and, for a moment, Charlie thought that Don would touch him.Charlie stood stiffly, afraid that the sympathy would break him, but wanting it nonetheless.

Instead, Don turned and silently left the garage.Charlie nodded to himself, grateful that Don didn’t crack his carefully constructed shell, and focused on the math.

 

Charlie needed some books for the trust metric from his office at CalSci, so he went out to his car.

“Can I join you?” Alan said behind him, making him jump.

“Sure, okay,” he said.“But, I’m thinking at the moment, so …”

“So, no talking.”

Charlie nodded in relief that his father understood.They drove to CalSci as Charlie carefully kept his mind on the math, dragging it back to task every time it strayed towards worrying about Colby.When he got to the office, he fell on the desired books as if they were life rafts in an open sea.Maybe they were.

When David came by his office later and asked if he could help figure out how Dwayne Carter planned to get to China, Charlie’s composure held.But he didn’t press it.As soon as he understood what David wanted, he quickly left, leaving his father there.

He tried to drive to the FBI office, but found himself instead pulling into the monastery where Larry lived.He needed … he needed a friend.Someone who could look him in the eye and tell him if he was about to make the greatest mistake of his life.


	4. Bluff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie tries for the right outcome.

**Part 4 – Bluff**

Charlie left the monastery and Larry with a smile on his face.Larry always said the right thing. 

However, Charlie’s smile faded the closer he got to the FBI office, and the less sure he became.He wanted to go back and drag Larry to the office with him, but there was no time.Besides, Larry might want to look at the math.

He got to the office and Dr. Charles Eppes dealt with the question of Dwayne Carter, using some rather nifty algorithms.He then watched as the FBI agents neatly tracked down the freighter.The freighter where Colby had gone.Charlie saw the image of Colby getting into the speedboat.The image was poor and small, but Charlie recognized the walk, the movements, like they were engraved on the backs of his eyes.Colby had lost some weight and was wearing a cap, but it was Colby.

_Oh God, oh God, Colby … Play it back, I want to see it again.Oh God, Colby …_

Charlie shook himself.He needed to hold it together, now more than ever.His biggest challenge was yet to come.He might need to outbluff his brother.

Don spotted a Federal vehicle near where the freighter had left and his team traced it back to a Mason Lancer, someone high up in the DOJ.As the team debated their next move, with David still talking against Colby, Charlie stared at the image frozen on the screen.It showed Colby, in a speedboat, his hand on his cap, his face half-turned from the camera.Did Colby look in trouble?He certainly didn’t look comfortable.He was anxious, Charlie could tell that from here.Well, he was a Federal fugitive, he had good reason to be anxious.

Charlie’s heart sank as he learned a warrant would take too long and he realized that it was all going to come down to the crisis point he feared.

Don summed it up neatly, “Alright, look, it comes down to this -- Do we in fact think that Colby is a traitor, that’s all it’s about.Do we?If we do, we let the Coast Guard watch and we wait for a warrant.”

“And if he’s not, he could be dead by then,” Megan finished.

There was a tense silence then Charlie cleared his throat.“So, this is the trust metric I prepared on Colby Granger,” he said, his hands and voice shaking as he unfolded the wadded up paper.“It’s a man’s life put down on a few pages of expressions distilled down to an index of trustworthiness, which is a single number that incorporates all facets of his behavior, like the risks he’s taken or orders he’s obeyed or disobeyed, the confidences he’s shared.”Charlie looked around at the faces of Don, Megan and David as he spoke, trying to gauge what they were thinking.It had never mattered so much that he be able to read people, and he was failing.He wanted to tell them, _This is not just a man’s life.It’s_ my _man’s life._ Colby’s _life.God, can’t you see this?_

“Yeah?” Don said, “So, what does it tell us?”

Charlie looked at the paper, at the decidedly _inconclusive_ math on the paper, and the trustworthiness rating that would have left too much doubt.Then he smiled, his way suddenly clear.He set down the paper and said, “Nothing.Nothing that we don’t already know in our hearts.”He couldn’t meet Don’s eyes, hoping with every fiber of his body that no one would ask the number after all.

Megan immediately smiled.“I’m in.”

_Yes!_ Charlie gave her a big grin.

Everyone looked at David.“I don’t know what to believe, but I’d like to go find out.”

“Alright,” Don said, without hesitation.“We roll in ten.”Don hadn’t needed the trust metric after all.

Charlie held himself up until they’d cleared out of the office then he sank, trembling, to a chair and put his head in his hands.

 

Once Don gave the order, things moved smoothly and quickly.In no time at all, Charlie was sitting at a desk, listening with clenched hands to radio chatter as the monitor displayed each person’s radio signal in their own little boxes.He watched Don’s monitor, as if seeing Don’s voice in signal waves made it more real.All chatter went quiet as they approached the target.

_I have to be right.Colby has to be there and safe and a good guy and …_

“Oh God,” he moaned, and raced over to vomit in a nearby trashcan.

Charlie almost missed the callout, the sirens, the ‘Prepare to be boarded,’ but there was no mistaking the spit of gunfire, even over the radio.Automatic gunfire sounded from all sources, along with terse, efficient directions.Charlie scrambled back to the desk and held onto the computer monitor like it could get him closer to the action.

Sound of a helicopter, gunfire, so much gunfire.Why was no one reporting in? _Where is he where is he where is he?_

From Don’s radio, the sound of a single gunshot – almost shocking after the hail of automatic fire.Then a second gunshot.

“ _Don_ ,” Charlie moaned, then there was a burst of machine gunfire from right next to Don’s radio.He had returned fire, so he was okay.More gunfire, from David’s radio.

Then running feet.Scrambling sounds.

“Potassium Chloride,” David said.

“Oh man, that stuff will stop his heart cold,” Don snapped.

“Plunger wasn’t fully deployed, but he’s not breathing.Colby!”The sound of a slap.

“I gotta get a medic!”

“Colby, stay with me, wake up!”

“Charlie, Charlie!”Someone was shouting in his ear.

Charlie came back to himself and realized he was kneeling on the desk, shaking the monitor and screaming at it.

He stopped shouting long enough to hear Colby dragged out of the chair, dropped on the floor, and for David and Don to start desperate CPR.

Megan said, “We’ve got control but—Oh, Damn,” and Megan’s horrified voice told Charlie everything.

The monitor slipped from his grasp, crashing to the desk and splintering, and Charlie followed it down to oblivion.


	5. From One Fall to Another

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie struggles to process.

**Part 5 – From One Fall to Another**   


He was cold.And sore.

“Colby’s alive, Colby’s alive,” a voice was repeating over and over again.A familiar voice.Something wet and soggy was on his forehead and water dripped down his cheeks. “Colby’s alive, Colby’s alive,” the voice repeated patiently.

_Colby …_ Charlie’s eyes snapped open to see Will leaning over him.Charlie realized that he was lying on his back, his feet propped up on something.Will’s fingers were at his wrist, checking his pulse.

“Cole?” Charlie whispered.

“Colby’s alive,” Will confirmed with a smile.“He’s stable and they’re airlifting him to the hospital right now.”

“Stable?”

“Yeah, he got pumped full of some nasty drugs, torture drugs, but he’s breathing and stable.They’re gonna keep him unconscious until the drugs are out of his system.”

“T-torture drugs?”

“Yeah, you can get details later, if you want.Now, look me in the eye.” 

Charlie looked into Will’s dark eyes, then Will poked and prodded him for another minute before nodding in satisfaction.“You’ll be okay.Just fainted and fell.Nothing seems broken but you’re gonna have some big bruises tomorrow, especially on your left hip where you hit the chair.”

Charlie blinked at him, then finally realized the oddness of the situation.Around him he could still hear the buzz of the FBI office.

“What are you doing here?” Charlie asked.

“Dumb question,” Will replied.“Where else would I be?”

“Um, at work?”

“With this going on?I’da been here earlier but I was in a damn cellphone dead zone.”He shook his head then grinned at Charlie.“I got here just in time to see your ‘wilting flower’ routine.Very dramatic.”

“Yeah,” Charlie said, feeling a flush creep into his cheeks.

“Charlie?” said another familiar voice and Charlie turned towards it, a wet paper towel sliding off his forehead.His father had another wet paper towel ready but Will waved it away.

“Is he okay?”Alan asked Will.

“Yup,” Will said.“Though it would be good if we can get him lying down somewhere more comfortable and get him warmer.”

“Did anyone get hurt?”Charlie asked as he let Will and Alan get him to his feet. 

“You’re the only casualty,” Alan said with a smile.

The world wobbled and Charlie clutched at Will.Will half-carried him into another office, one with a couch.Charlie sagged onto the couch with relief and let Will and Alan fuss over him for another moment, tucking some coats around him.

“Thanks,” Charlie mumbled, his eyes drifting closed.Colby was safe and soon—

Charlie’s eyes shot open again and he grabbed Will’s wrist.“Nena!And Amita and, oh God, what have I done, I should have trusted Colby but instead I … Oh God.”

Will gave him a sad, understanding smile and put his hand over Charlie’s.“You’ve had a tough day.Don’t fight your body if you want to take a nap.We’ll wake you up if anything changes.”

“But …” Charlie’s voice tore at his throat.“He’s been and I …” He’s _been going through hell, through_ torture _, for his country and duty and I couldn’t even take care of his little girl and stay faithful._

“It’ll be okay,” Will said softly.“I know it doesn’t feel like it can ever be okay again, but it will be.”

Charlie stared at him, and since he knew that Will never candy-coated anything, felt a slight amount better.Some vague memory came back to him.“Oh, did I break a monitor or something?”

“Yeah,” Will said.“We’ll take it out of your allowance.Now, rest.”

 

Charlie groaned himself awake.His body felt … well, felt like he’d just fallen off a desk, bounced off a chair and landed on a hard floor.

“Charlie?”Alan was hovering over him.“Are you okay?”

Charlie groaned again, but it turned into a happier sound as he realized that his father was holding some aspirin and a glass of water.Alan helped him lean up and take the aspirin.Charlie sagged back to the couch, his eyes drooping closed.Then they opened wide again as Charlie started to really wake up.

“Colby?” he asked.

“He’s gonna be okay, they think,” Alan said soothingly.

“They _think_?”

“He’ll be fine,” Alan said.“Do you want to go see him?”

“Yeah, yeah!”Charlie sat up quickly then grabbed his head, then his hip as pain shot through that.“Ow.”

“C’mon,” Alan said.“I’ll drive.”

“How long, how long have I been asleep?”

“A little over two hours,” Alan said, helping Charlie to stand.

“Where’s Will?”

“He’s with Don.I don’t know where they went.Don’s being pretty hard on himself for ever doubting Colby.”

Charlie winced.

“Guess there’s gonna be a lot of that going around,” Alan said wryly.

Charlie nodded grimly.He needed to see Colby.Only then could he know that this terrible chapter was over … 

And that might not be the only thing that was over.

 


	6. Breaking Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie's walls finally come down.

**Part 6 – Breaking Down** ****

Alan and Charlie drove in silence to the hospital.Charlie held himself tightly, wrapping his arms around himself, trying to last just a little longer.They parked and Charlie followed Alan inside.At least it wasn’t UCLA Med, at least it wasn’t that much of a repeat of that horrifying time with Will in a coma.Still, the place smelled like death, fear and antiseptic.

Alan got directions to Colby’s room, where they found Will and Don.As they walked in, Will and Don nodded quietly to them and got up to go.Charlie barely registered Will’s squeeze on his shoulder as they left, because Charlie’s eyes were riveted to the bed.

Tucked into that bed was Colby Granger.His face was thinner and partially obscured by an oxygen mask, but there was no mistaking it.Heavy stubble stood out against his pale skin.His body was covered by a loose hospital gown.His right hand was on top of the sheet, a black monitor attached to one finger.He was the most beautiful thing Charlie had ever seen.

Charlie rushed across the room to the bed.He took Colby’s hand in his, careful of the monitor.He watched Colby’s chest rise and fall, rise and fall.

His knees gave out and he grabbed onto the side of the bed.Alan pushed a chair under him and Charlie gratefully sank into it, not taking his eyes off of Colby.

“I’ll give you some time,” Alan said quietly and left the room.

Charlie was alone with the beeping machines and quietly breathing man.Tears sprang to his eyes and he gripped Colby’s cold hand tightly.He tried to keep the tears back, but one escaped, blazing a trail down his face, and that was all it took.

The walls, those carefully constructed walls that had kept him sane for the last five weeks, burst apart and the emotions they’d kept back rushed out.

_FearGuiltPainAngerDespairWorryShameDread._

He sobbed, great gulping sobs that ripped out of him like chunks of broken masonry.

“You _promised_ ,” Charlie sobbed.“You promised you’d never leave me!But, you left me! _Left_ me!”

“Left me, left me,” Charlie repeated, in anger, in reproach, in defense.“Left me, left me.”

“I was so _alone_ …”

He cried, cried until there was no moisture left in his body, until he was just a dry husk, shaking and gasping and squeezing his eyes tightly closed.

He opened his eyes and stared down at Colby.“You lied to me.I know why, but you lied to all of us.To your _family._ Then you left me.For good, for permanent, I thought.You left me …”

Charlie bit his lip.There was so much more he wanted, needed, to say to Colby, but he needed Colby to hear it.

Dragging a shaky breath into his lungs, Charlie looked at Colby.How much did he actually know the man?He used to think he could read Colby.Now, he didn’t know.But if he could trust his instincts, Colby looked like he was still in pain.Charlie wasn’t sure he wanted to know more about those ‘torture drugs’ but he was going to, anyway.He needed every piece of true information about Colby that he could get.

He sat with Colby, listening to the steady beep of the machines, for some long moments, then he stood up to go find his father.

Alan, Will and Don were sitting outside in the waiting room, reading magazines.

“How long?”Charlie asked hoarsely.“How long will he be out?”

“The doctor said another 12 to 24 hours,” Alan replied, “Depending on how his vital signs look.”He then silently pointed Charlie towards the bathroom.Charlie nodded and slowly walked down the hall to clean himself up.

In the bathroom, Charlie splashed cold water on his face.He looked in the mirror, at his red eyes and runny nose, and abruptly remembered another day, not too long ago, in another hospital bathroom.

Will had been in a coma, Colby had just taken Charlie to a closet and made love to him, reassuring Charlie in a way that nothing else could.They had gone to the bathroom to clean up and Charlie had asked Colby to marry him.He remembered the blazing smile that had lit up Colby’s face.That memory led quickly to memories of their wedding, and standing with Colby in front of their friends and family and saying their vows.

He stared at the face in the mirror and wondered why that felt like years ago.Years and lifetimes and so many lies ago.

 


	7. Those We Leave Behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie tells Nena.

**Part 7 – Those We Leave Behind** ****

 

After going back to the waiting room, Charlie checked his watch.It was just early enough in the day. 

Charlie looked up a phone number, then steeled himself and dialed.

“What?” came an icy female voice from the other end of the line, the tone saying Nena’s mother had read the Caller ID. 

“It’s Charlie, Charlie Eppes,” Charlie said anyway.

“I know who it is,” Jenny snapped.“What do you want?” 

“Could we have Nena for the evening, actually the rest of the week?” he asked.

“Why?”Jenny demanded.“And what are you doing to her these days, anyway?She’s been like a ghost, and she won’t tell me why.I’m gonna take her a doctor, a doctor who can find out if you’ve—” 

Charlie closed his eyes and forced himself to speak calmly, “Colby’s been on assignment, a dangerous assignment, and Nena’s been worried, we all were.Colby just got back and he’s okay.I’d like to pick Nena up from school and let her know that, okay?And I think she’d like to spend some time with Colby after that.So that you’ll pick her up a week from Monday, okay?”

A pause, then Jenny said, “Okay, but if she’s not better, I’m taking her to a doctor to check—” 

“Thank you,” Charlie said and hung up.

 

After the bell rang to let out school, Charlie sat in the car for a moment and just watched Nena come out the door.She wasn’t smiling, wasn’t bouncing, and had lost weight.The load of guilt that settled onto Charlie’s chest was going to make it difficult to breathe for a while, but he deserved that. 

Charlie got out of the car.Nena saw him and started to smile, then she froze.Her face went white.

“No, no,” Charlie yelled over the parking lot noise.“He’s okay!” 

Nena continued to stare at him, her eyes too wide, her hands gripped tight on the handles of her fuzzy koala backpack.

Charlie quickly shut the car door and dodged around mini-vans and kids until he got to Nena.He grabbed her shoulders.“He’s okay, Nena!He’s gonna be home very soon!” 

Nena stared up at him, searching his face.Her green eyes were so much like Colby’s and full of bewildered pain.

Charlie got to his knees and gave her a tight hug.“I’m so sorry, honey, I’m so sorry.I’ve been a bas—a bad person.I was just so worried about your daddy that I went a little crazy.”He pulled back to look at her again.“I’ll make it up to you, sweetie.I don’t know how but, God help me, I will.” 

Nena whispered, “Daddy’s home?”

“Not quite, he’s really tired so he’s resting at the hospital.He’s coming home tomorrow or the day after, though.Want to go see him?” 

Nena slowly nodded.“He’s sleepin’ like Unka Wiw?”

“No, he’s not in a coma, sweetie.He’s sleeping just like you and I would be if we worked really, really hard and did some great things for our country and was a hero.” 

“Hero?” Nena echoed.

“A really big hero,” Charlie said, smiling at her though his lips trembled with emotion.“Braver than we ever even guessed.” 

Nena asked, very quietly, “Do you … still love him?”

“Oh, honey,” Charlie said and pulled Nena over to sit on a low wall.He sat next to her and put his arm around her.“I love your daddy so much that … that … Have you ever pretended something so hard that you couldn’t stop?” 

Nena shook her head, but at least she was still listening to him.

“When your daddy went away, I pretended so hard that I wasn’t hurt, wasn’t scared, that I started to believe it myself.” 

“You wuz scared?” Nena asked.

“Really, really scared.” 

She whispered, “Me, too.”

“I know, honey,” Charlie said, hugging her again. 

“Dr. Eppes?”

Charlie looked up to see Mr. Gutierrez, Nena’s teacher. 

“Is everything okay?”Mr. Gutierrez asked.“I’ve been worried about Nena.”

“Uh, yeah,” Charlie said with a grimace.“Her father – you know he’s FBI, right? – well he’s been on a dangerous assignment and it’s been kinda tense around home.” 

Mr. Gutierrez nodded.“You said, ‘has been’?”

“Yeah,” Charlie said tiredly.“He got back today.A little … worse for wear, but he should be okay.” 

“Good!Good,” Mr. Gutierrez said.“That’s good.”

Charlie gave him a weak smile, then asked Nena, “You want to go see your daddy now?” 

Nena nodded and they stood up.Charlie waved goodbye to Nena’s teacher and started to walk with her towards the car.

“Is, is …” Nena said. “Is things gonna go back to happy now?” 

“I don’t know, but I hope so,” Charlie said fervently.“God, I hope so.”


	8. Debriefing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agent Granger wakes up.

**Part 8 – Debriefing**

Charlie took Nena back to the hospital and watched as she hugged her sleeping father, exclaimed over him, then chastised him for not taking better care of himself.She sat down next to his bed and told him everything that had happened in the weeks since he’d been gone, all the while promising she’d say it again when he woke up.

Charlie left Nena in the room with her father, her Uncle Don, and her Grandfather Alan and wandered the halls.He was feeling a lot less optimistic than when he’d picked Nena up from school.How could things possibly go ‘back to happy’ now?After all the lies and deceptions and betrayals? 

He went into the waiting room and slumped into a chair.Will came and sat quietly next to him.After a while, Charlie pulled out a notebook and tried to sketch a few ideas for his Friendship Math paper.He ended up talking to Will instead, telling him stories of his odd childhood and trying to make friends.Will responded with stories of his own schizophrenic childhood as a troublemaker at school and a model child at home.Charlie tried to pay attention, since Will rarely talked about his past, but Charlie couldn’t focus.

Nena came out later and they all went downstairs to the cafeteria and got some dinner.Then they went back into Colby’s room and watched some TV with the sleeping Colby.Charlie felt like he was sleeping himself, like he was moving through a dream of talking, eating, breathing.He waited to wake up.He’d only wake up when Colby did. 

Then they’d see.

 

The doctors let Colby wake up the next morning, several hours after Charlie had taken Nena to school.Only the doctors were present in the room when Colby woke, plus a dozen DOJ, FBI, and other assorted agents.Agent Granger needed to be debriefed. 

They talked to him for hours while Charlie waited outside, both anxious for his chance to talk to Colby and glad to put it off.He didn’t want to see him until it could be just him and Colby.Don was in that room, but he was there as Colby’s boss, not his brother-in-law.Finally, they all came out.

Charlie started to stand up, but Don shook his head. 

“He’s asleep again, and no one is to bother him,” Don explained and sat down next to Charlie.“He’s … Everything’s been verified. He really is one of the good guys.I should have known …”

Charlie slowly sank back into his chair.“I never doubted it.” 

Don blinked.“Huh?”

“I never doubted that he was doing something for his country, that he was a patriot.But I know how convoluted that can get.I was certain that he would get out of jail someday, for some reason, and be patted on the back by some black ops government group and given a new identity.” 

Don stared at him.“That’s what you thought?”

Charlie nodded, looking across the hall to the closed door of Colby’s room, and the guard who stood beside it. 

“But …” Don said in confusion.

“As certain as I was that he was a patriot,” Charlie said quietly, “I was certain that we would never see him again.One day Nena might disappear too and go with her daddy to his new life, but we … _I_ would never see him again.” 

“So that’s why you … moved on.”

Charlie turned to look at Don and Don’s face blanched at whatever he saw in Charlie’s eyes.“I didn’t move on, you know that.I just … survived.The only way I could.” 

Don slowly nodded. “Will said you went ‘undercover,’ took on a new persona, as sort of a defense mechanism.”

Charlie tilted his head to the side, contemplating that.“I guess I did.” 

Don put his hand on Charlie’s.“But what you were so sure of, the black ops and new identity? That’s not what happened.”

“No,” Charlie said in a small voice.“No … And now I really don’t know what’s gonna happen next.” 

Don squeezed Charlie’s hand.“Me, either.We can’t all just go back to the way we were.”

“No …” Charlie breathed out.“It’s all been too broken.” 

“Yeah …” Don said and they sat in silence for a moment.

“What about Megan and David?”Charlie asked.“How are they handling things?” 

Don shrugged.“Megan is … She seems to be doing okay.Whatever the DOJ had her doing, it really busted her up, and I think she’s seizing on Colby not being a double agent as a sign that everything in the Federal Government isn’t bad.”

“And David?” 

“I … I don’t know.He’s really angry, just incredibly angry.He seems to feel a personal betrayal, almost like Colby proved to David that opening up and becoming friends with someone really was a bad idea and he never wants to get hurt again.”

“I can understand,” Charlie said quietly.His eyes returned to Colby’s closed door.“Maybe it would have been better if Colby had vanished.Then I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to him all over again.” 

“Charlie,” Don said, “You don’t know that’s what’s gonna happen.”Don’s rubbed his cheek as if he was searching for something encouraging to say.

“I watched the video,” Don said at last. 

Charlie frowned at him.“What video?”

“Lancer, cold bastard, recorded his interrogation.I saw what he did to Colby, how much Colby suffered …” Don shuddered.“And I saw Lancer give him the final drug.Dwayne killed Lancer before he could kill Colby, we guessed that.But Colby …” Don shook his head in amazement.“Damn, he’s a brave man.He never broke.Never gave Lancer what he wanted, never begged.Didn’t even say a word when Lancer plunged that last needle into his heart.” 

Charlie nodded.He’d expect nothing less.

“You see, don’t you?” Don said.“He’s not a man who would give up, on his duty or on the people he loves.He loves you.” 

“Does he?”Charlie wondered.“Or was I just a means to an end?”

“Charlie …” Don said helplessly. 

Charlie stood up.“I’ll go sit with him until he wakes.He … I …” He hunched his shoulders and walked towards the door.

 


	9. Finally Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie and Colby talk.

**Part 9— Finally Alone** ****

Charlie sat with Colby until the afternoon.Colby’s oxygen mask was gone and Charlie studied the stubble on Colby’s face.Colby had always insisted on being clean-shaven, something about his military background, Charlie had thought.Maybe he hadn’t even been in the army. What else had been a lie?Had the whole thing about his father’s suicide been a lie?To what end?Maybe Colby had been testing him, searching for a particular piece of information.Charlie stared at the shadows on the sheets, watching as they crept over hands and arms he knew too well.Colby’s wedding ring was missing, of course.It was probably with his things from the prison.Alan had brought a change of clothes for Colby from home, and they were sitting on a nearby chair.Folded neatly on top was a shirt from where they’d spent their honeymoon.His father had never been subtle … 

Sometime after the shadow had passed over Colby’s left pinkie, Colby stirred.His eyes opened slowly, almost hesitantly, as if afraid of what he might find.He turned towards Charlie and those green eyes settled on him.Colby blinked several times, as if making sure he wasn’t imagining things, then breathed, “Charlie …” and a smile lit his haggard face.“Hello, Angel.”

Charlie desperately wanted to return that smile, but he couldn’t.He gripped his hands in his lap.“Hello,” he said coolly. 

Colby’s smile faded.“Charlie?”

Charlie got to his feet, stepping out of reach, and replied, “Congratulations on catching that mole in the DOJ.Job well done.” 

“Charlie?” Colby said, raising his hand towards him.“What’s wrong?”

Charlie gave a bitter snort.“What’s wrong?Only that you’ve been lying to everyone for years.Only been using all of us in your little spy game.Oh, it must have seemed like a prime opportunity for spying, hooking up with me.Not only was I working for the FBI, but brother of the lead agent.Hey, through me you could spy on the NSA, DOD, CDC, whatever else, too.What a bonus!” 

“God, Charlie,” Colby said, his face white.“You can’t really believe that.”

Charlie pressed his lips together and shook his head. 

“No, no, no, Charlie,” Colby groaned.“I love you.That’s not a lie.”

Charlie trembled in spite of his effort to remain calm. “How can I trust anything you say?” 

“Because I love you,” Colby said, his eyes growing wider, white starting to show around the edges.It was a very good expression for fear.Colby probably practiced it in the mirror.

“Maybe,” Charlie said tightly. “Maybe you’re just a really good actor.” 

“Please,” Colby begged.“Please, don’t say that.Try-try to think about it, Charlie, if I was wi-with you because of spying, I would have got what I wanted then moved on, to another relationship.I never would have stayed with you. God, Charlie, we’re married!I never got together with you to spy on you or your brother.If-if you think rationally,” Colby said, obviously trying to keep his voice steady, but Charlie thought he could hear the edge of panic.“B-being with you would not max-maximize my ability to check up on the whole office, I should have stayed unattached, cultivated as many relationships as possible.But, but I couldn’t.I only wanted to be with you.Kirkland totally ripped me a new one when he found out that I was moving in with you, let alone getting married!It was bad triple-agent protocol but I just wanted to be with you, I still do …”

Colby trailed off and they stared at each other. 

“I just don’t know,” Charlie mumbled.“I’m not good at this kind of stuff.You could have lied to me about anything and I would never have guessed.”

“But, Angel, I didn’t!I kept my lies to you at the absolute minimum, there were only two things I _ever_ lied to you about – if Kirkland called me, I’d say it was the office, and if I had to go see him, I’d see him after work and make up some errand or bad traffic that delayed me getting home.That’s _it_!” 

Charlie clenched and unclenched his fists.Anger rose up in him, hot and terrible.“No, that’s not the only lie.You promised me that you’d never leave me.But you knew, you knew that you probably would have to someday.You lied …”

“I didn’t think it would take so long to—” 

“You left me!”Charlie snapped.“For good, for permanent, for _ever_.I had no reason to believe I’d ever see you again.You weren’t coming back, you were gone.You left me alone.”

“No, no,” Colby said, “You had the whole family around you. I was the one that was alone.More alone than I knew, in the end, since Kirkland had been killed.” 

“That’s supposed to make up for it?”

“God, Charlie, I didn’t do it to hurt you!I was deep into this, committed to it, before I ever met you!I couldn’t just stop, put it on hold, so I could fall in love.It’s the number one mistake that a spy could make.” 

“Glad that I’m your biggest mistake,” Charlie snapped.

Colby shook his head in frustration.“I don’t regret falling in love with you, don’t regret one minute of it.”His voice broke, finally, and tears were in his eyes.“Charlie, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life.” 

Charlie forced himself to look away, away from those eyes, that face, when all he wanted to do was crawl into Colby’s arms and tell him how much he’d missed him.“You may not feel the same,” Charlie said flatly, “When you hear what I have to tell you.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Charlie saw Colby stiffen. 

“When you were arrested,” Charlie continued, “I thought that was it, that you were never coming back.You left me alone.And I couldn’t be alone, I couldn’t …”Charlie shook his head.“I couldn’t even look at Nena, she looks so much like you.”

“What?”Colby gasped.“You were supposed to be taking care of her!” 

“Your betrayal took Nena from me, too.Dad and Don and Will took care of her, I couldn’t look at her.”

“But you were her—” 

“I know.I know.”

Suddenly, Charlie wanted to hurt Colby, hurt him as much as he’d hurt Charlie.Charlie turned back towards Colby and snapped the words at him like bullets.“I went back to Amita,” he snarled.“Back to her arms, back to her bed.No, I brought her to our— to _my_ bed, fucked her in the same bed that you’d fucked me.” 

All remaining color drained from Colby’s face as Charlie’s bullets hit home.

“How about a little of your own betrayal, Granger?How’s it feel?” 

“You …” Colby said faintly.

“It’s not like we were really _married_ ,” Charlie said wildly. “It’s not like we were even really together.Nothing was real or true about you and I wasn’t going to let you win because you broke me into horrible little pieces and left me behind, and I know the combination of the gun safe and your spare gun was still there and wouldn’t it be fitting that your gun would … kill me the rest of the way?” 

Silence, harsh and shocking.Like the echo of a gunshot.

Colby’s mouth worked without sound and heavy tears trembled on the bottom edges of his eyelids. He gripped the sheets like he was trying to stop himself from reaching towards Charlie. 

Charlie wanted to turn and escape the room.Charlie wanted to go to Colby’s side.Unable to do either, he sank to the floor where he was and wrapped his arms around his knees. He hid his face in his arms and rocked back and forth.He began reciting the digits of Pi.

He heard a noise from the bed, sheets being thrown back, then creaking.Bare feet hitting the floor and a stumble. 

Charlie pulled his arms tighter around his knees.“Don’t touch me.” 

“Charlie …” Colby murmured, his voice full of pain and despair. 

Charlie heard Colby walk across the floor then carefully sit down next to him.

“I hate you, _hate_ you,” Charlie said softly.“Please, please … Just let me hate you.” 

“I can’t,” Colby whispered back.“I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Charlie felt the touch, feather soft, of one finger on his left hand.He shivered and held himself so tight that his arms ached. 

“I never stopped thinking about you in jail,” Colby murmured.“Thoughts of you and Nena kept me sane.When I didn’t think I could survive one more hour, when I wanted to just strangle Dwayne and tell him the truth, I’d just picture you in my head, what you might be doing – teaching a class, washing dishes, sleeping, and I’d be able to last another hour.”

“But, I wasn’t … I was with Amita.Can’t you hate me back?” 

“No,” Colby said, softly but with conviction.“I can’t hate you.”

“Please?” Charlie begged with a sob.“Oh, God, I can’t breathe.” 

“Charlie,” Colby whispered.“I will always love you.I’ll never stop, never, no matter what.My Charlie …”

Charlie broke. 

He lifted his head, opened his arms, and threw himself at Colby.Colby grabbed him and held him tightly, rocking him and stroking his hair and telling him over and over that he was sorry.Sorry for leaving him, sorry for hurting him, sorry for lying to him.

Charlie buried his head in Colby’s shoulder and cried himself hoarse for the second time in two days.Charlie felt tears land on his head as Colby cried too, his ragged apologies never stopping. 

“I missed you so much,” Charlie sobbed.“I _hurt_.Even math, even P vs. NP couldn’t make it stop.I was lost …”

“I know, Angel, I know,” Colby said huskily. 

“How can you still call me that after—”

“Shh….” Colby said, rubbing his cheek against Charlie’s hair.“Shh, not now.Just let me hold you.” 

Charlie sniffled and tightened his grip around Colby’s chest.And they sat like that for a long while, wrapped together, on the cold floor of the hospital room, and held each other like they would never let go.

 


	10. What Happens Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Nena and Alan have something to say.

**Part 10 – What Happens Now**

Alan picked Nena up from school that afternoon.He took her from a worn-out Mr. Gutierrez, who just shook his head and handed him Nena’s forgotten backpack.Nena was fairly vibrating with anticipation.She knew her daddy would be awake today.

As they drove to the hospital, Alan kept glancing towards Nena.She was flushed, almost feverish-looking.It was a marked change from the withdrawn, sad child he’d tried to comfort over the last few weeks.Before Colby had left, Alan had wondered if Nena really understood the dangerous nature of her father’s job, of all the boys’ jobs.Now he knew that Nena did understand, and perhaps more deeply than any of the rest of them did.Nena had experienced loss many times in her short years, as her mother’s various boyfriends had come in and out of her life.Colby had made a lot of progress in convincing her, over the last year or so, that not all relationships were temporary.Then he’d vanished and Charlie had become … distant.Alan and Don and Will had tried to hold things together for Nena, but she’d suffered, perhaps more than any of them. 

Alan himself wasn’t too sure what he’d find when he got to the hospital.Don had called earlier and said that Colby had woken up and gotten debriefed.Everything about Colby being a –what would that make it?—a triple agent had been verified.Colby had gone through hell for his country and Alan was very proud of him.He’d always thought there was more to the issue than it appeared.He didn’t think that Colby could have been pretending 24 hours a day, and Alan could tell he was a good man when he saw him dealing with a whiny five-year-old, a self-absorbed husband, or a draining job.On the phone, Don had said that Colby woke up later and that Colby and Charlie had talked, but no more details beyond that.Well, he’d find out when they got there.

When Alan opened the door to Colby’s room, after being cleared by the guard, he got a brief glimpse of the scene before Nena pushed past him.Colby had been sitting up in bed, scooted over to the near side, and Charlie had pushed his chair as close as possible to the bed and Colby.Colby had his right hand on the back of Charlie’s neck, his left entwined with Charlie’s.Charlie had been leaning his head against Colby’s hip, his free hand on Colby’s thigh.They hadn’t been talking, just quietly sitting together as the TV chattered about sports.Charlie’s eyes had been half-closed as Colby’d stroked his fingers through Charlie’s hair.

Charlie sat up straight as Nena pushed past Alan and ran into the room, squealing, “Daddy!” 

“Hey!” Colby said with a huge grin and untangled himself from Charlie.He held out his hands.

Nena vaulted onto the bed and into her daddy’s embrace. 

Colby laughed with delight and hugged her tightly, rocking her back and forth.

“You wuz gone _forevuh_!”Nena wailed.“Evuh and evuh!” 

“I know, baby,” Colby said fiercely. “I missed you so much.I missed my Nena-bear so much.”

Nena pulled back to look into Colby’s face.“Didju catch ‘em?” 

Colby smiled back.“I caught ‘em, sweetie, caught all the bad guys.”

“Good!” Nena said decisively, “‘cause no more long forevuh trips away.” 

“No,” Colby said with equal fervor.“No more long trips away from my family.”He looked over at Charlie as he said that, and Alan was unable to interpret the expression on his face.Was he asking a question?

“‘Kay,” Nena said, sitting on the edge of his bed.“Now Iz gonna tell you all I said when you wuz sleepin’ ‘cause you were sleepin’ and not listnin’.” 

Colby grinned and pulled Nena over to sit on his left side while reaching for Charlie to pull him back to his right side.

Nena started talking immediately.“Momma and me went to the Gran’ Canyun and itz really really big, ev’n bigger than Aingells Stadeeum!I want’d to ride a burrro donkee but Momma said no yull fall off and I took pic’chers ‘n showed ’m to my class at skool, ‘cause take only pic’chers ‘n leaf only footprinters.‘N I hadda go to thuh princ’pls office once ‘cause I kicked Heidi but it waz only sorta on purpose.” 

Alan kept one ear on Nena as her outpouring of words continued, but he mostly watched Charlie and Colby together.

Charlie’s behavior over the last five weeks had mystified and angered Alan.Charlie had abandoned Nena when she’d needed him most.Then Charlie had actually brought Amita _home,_ which had been reprehensible.Alan thanked God that Charlie had at least had the decency to never to have Amita over when Nena was around.That Charlie had slept with Amita in the room that belonged to him and Colby had nauseated Alan. 

Not only was Charlie at fault, Alan couldn’t understand why a smart, attractive woman like Amita would come running when Charlie crooked his finger.Didn’t she have a shred of self-respect?

Alan had bit his tongue so many times that it felt swollen and scarred.But he hadn’t spoken up.He wasn’t quite sure why, but perhaps it was because he didn’t have anything else to offer Charlie to replace whatever solace he’d found in Amita.Alan had never seen his youngest son so fragile, even after Margaret had died.Maybe it had been the coward’s way out, but he’d followed Don’s example and pretended that everything was okay.But it had most definitely not been okay. 

Now, he sat in a chair across the room and watched Charlie and Colby be together as if nothing had happened.No, not as if nothing had happened, more as if they had both believed the other to be dead and had suddenly found the other alive and looking for them.Charlie clung to Colby, and Colby held both Charlie and Nena as if he was afraid they would be taken from him again.

Could things really return to being good again?Colby would be a better man than Alan if he’d forgiven Charlie so quickly.Surely Charlie had told Colby about Amita.Or was it possible that he hadn’t?Maybe the eruption just hadn’t happened yet? 

Nena finally ran down after describing her most recent day.“And Mr. Gootrez said I had the wiggles and Oh! I brought Rocko to stay with you but I left him in the car!”

Alan spoke up.“Nena, why don’t you go get Rocko from the car?Charlie will take you, and you’re probably thirsty from all that talking so why don’t you two stop and get a drink at the cafeteria?” 

Colby and Charlie eyed Alan but Nena said, “‘Kay,” and jumped off the bed.She held out her hand and Charlie took it and slowly left the room with her, looking over his shoulder at his father.Colby watched them go.

When the door shut behind them, Colby faced Alan. 

“It’s so good to see you back,” Alan said, stepping forward and grasping Colby’s hand.

“It’s good to be back,” Colby replied, but with a question in his voice, asking why Alan had gotten him alone. 

Alan sat down in the chair next to the bed.“I just wanted to make sure that you and my son had … cleared a few things up.”

Colby grimaced.“Yes, he told me about Amita.” 

“And you’re … okay?”

Colby shrugged uncomfortably.“I’m not happy about it, but what really matters is now, what he does now.I had always hoped that this op would end quickly, that I’d get Dwayne’s contact and could come clean before things festered, but it didn’t work out that way.People thought the worst of me for five weeks.” 

“So,” Alan frowned. “That makes having an affair alright?”

Colby sighed and shook his head.“I’m just so happy to see him that I’d forgive him anything right now.” 

“And later?When this ‘reunion happiness’ wears off?”

Looking away from Alan, Colby rubbed the stubble on his cheek.“Yeah, I’m pissed.Yeah, I hate that he turned to her.But I understand survival.Charlie, he … One of the things I love about your son is that he’s so emotional, feels things so deeply.But that can be a problem, too.When I was in jail, I hoped that Charlie was doing okay, that he would be able to hold himself together in the face of my apparent betrayal.That he would trust me.But, I’ll tell you, I came back here more than half expecting Charlie to be a complete wreck – totally withdrawn from the world, not eating, not sleeping.” 

Alan nodded.“That was him for the first week.”

“I can only imagine what he would have been like if it had lasted five weeks.More important than anything is that Charlie is still _alive_ for me when I came back.Anything beyond that we can try to put back together.”Colby met Alan’s eyes, and Alan saw pain and fear in those green eyes.Colby continued, so quietly that Alan had to lean forward to hear, “He … he talked about my gun, my spare gun which is still in the gun safe.About ending his pain.” 

Alan sucked in a shocked breath.

“So the fact that Charlie is still here, still around to forgive and to forgive me, that’s all I ask for.” 

Alan nodded slowly.He’d known that Charlie was fragile, but would have never guessed he’d thought about the means to kill himself.

“Now, Amita,” Colby said wryly.“I don’t know if I can forgive her.What was she thinking?” 

“I’ve wondered that myself,” Alan responded, shifting with effort from the mental image of Charlie pointing a gun at his own head.

“Sleeping with a married guy?A married _gay_ guy who’s obviously only using her as a means to avoid his problems?” 

Alan shrugged helplessly.“I don’t know either.I suppose you’re saying that we should be grateful to her for acting that way and protecting Charlie?”

Colby gave a harsh laugh.“I wouldn’t go that far.” 

“Good to hear that you do have a jealous bone in your body,” Alan said dryly.

Colby’s lips quirked.“Oh, I’ve got lots of them.I just spent a ton of time in prison thinking about worst-case scenarios, and it could’ve been a lot worse.I could’ve lost Charlie _and_ Nena and all of my friends and family.Dwayne might have never made his move and I could have been stuck in jail for years, waiting for the bastard to break.But here I am – got the mole, got cleared by the FBI, and people, most people, don’t hate me.I got off easy.” 

Alan snorted.“I wouldn’t call what you went through easy.I’ve heard about the drugs.”

Colby shrugged, looking a little embarrassed.“As torture goes, it can get a lot worse.” 

Alan shook his head.“Are you campaigning for sainthood here?”

Colby stared at him, then started to chuckle.“God, no.I just want things to go back to how they were, minus the whole passing secrets thing.” 

Alan smiled then sobered. “Do you think that’s possible?”

Colby smiled, one of his familiar sideways wry smiles.“Call me a romantic, but I really hope so.And if Charlie hopes so, too …” 

At that moment, the door opened and Nena rushed back in, waving her orange dinosaur.“Herez Rocko, Daddy!He’ll he’p you get all better!”

Colby grinned at Nena, then met Charlie’s eyes over her head.Colby’s eyes softened with unmistakable love and Alan turned to see his son’s eyes do the same.Looks like there was more than one romantic in the room. 

Alan got up from the chair so Charlie could return to Colby’s side.Nena gave Rocko to Colby and climbed back on the bed with him, offering to share her strawberry soda.Charlie started telling Colby about his Friendship Math and his Trust Metric.Alan returned to his chair across the room and watched them silently, wondering if this kind of forgiveness really was possible.

 


	11. Wake-up Food

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colby gets more visitors.

**Part 11 – Wake-up Food** ****

  
Colby woke with a jerk to find that he’d drifted off to sleep while holding Nena and Charlie.He had been sitting propped up by the raised top half of the bed, with Nena curled up against his left side and Charlie sitting in a chair on his right.Charlie’d scooted as close as possible to him and Colby’d had his upper arm around Charlie’s shoulders.Nena had finally tired of talking and turned on the TV.Colby had just held on to the two most precious people in the world and tried to relax.

Now he woke up to find that Nena had been replaced by Rocko but Charlie was still sitting in the chair right next to him with Colby’s arm still around his shoulders.Charlie had just turned in Colby’s embrace so that he could scribble in a notebook.

Happiness so sharp it hurt shot through Colby’s chest.Colby smiled and gave Charlie a squeeze.Charlie smiled absently, just like he always had, and returned to his math.Charlie finished his equation and set down his pencil.He stretched, arching his back over the side of the bed in his familiar, unconsciously sexy way and another jolt of happiness shot through Colby.It also stirred things further down, but Colby squashed that with one quick thought of Amita.Even though his body had been neglected for five long weeks, one image of Charlie with Amita iced that urge.It also cooled his earlier happiness.

“Everybody went to dinner,” Charlie said, putting down his notebook.“It took some effort to get Nena to leave, but we convinced her that Rocko would keep you safe until she got back.”

“She’s worried about me being safe?” Colby asked, tucking a stray curl behind Charlie’s ear.Charlie needed a haircut, and a shave.

“I think she’s more worried about you leaving,” Charlie said wryly.

“Yeah,” Colby said and pulled his arm away from Charlie to rub his cheeks with both hands.He needed a shave, too.With something sharper than the dull blade they were allowed in prison.

The door to his room opened and Nena rushed in.She spotted Colby awake and called, “Daddy!”She climbed onto the bed, saying, “You misst your suppa’!The lady kept it fer you, she said ta press thuh butt’n, can I press thuh butt’n?”

“Sure,” Colby laughed.Nena reached over and poked the nurse call button.Since she didn’t hear anything, she pressed it again.

“Hang on,” Charlie said before Nena could press it a third time.“It sounds in the nurses’ area, not here.”

“Oh,” Nena said.“I had cheezburguh!”

“Sounds good,” Colby smiled.“I wonder what I’ll get.”

“Hewo-food,” Nena said decisively.“Charlie said yu’z hewo so the lady wiw give you hewo-food.”

“He said that, did he?” Colby asked Charlie.

“You bet,” Charlie replied firmly.

Colby smiled at him, it felt good to hear that coming from Charlie, then asked Nena, “What do heroes eat?”

“Ask for pudding,” Don said, coming into the room.

“Oh hey,” Colby said, a little shyly.He hadn’t talked to Don yet, just saw him in the room during the debriefing.

Don came across the room without hesitation and took Colby’s hand in a firm grip.“I’m glad you’re okay,” Don said.“And I’m glad that my instincts weren’t wrong about you.”

Colby gripped his hand with both of his.“I’m glad, too.”

“Me, too!” Megan said, coming up behind Don.

“Hi,” Colby said self-consciously.

“Hi yourself,” Megan said and ignored his outstretched hand to give him a big hug.“You really scared us there, Granger.”

“Yeah, scared me, too,” Colby said with a sideways smile.

“Yes, people,” Will said, coming through the open door.“I did remember to pay for dinner at the café while the rest of you bailed, thank you.”

“I left money!” Megan protested.

“Hey, bro,” Will said, shaking Colby’s hand.“Glad you made it back in one piece.”

Colby smiled at Will.Of all his family, Will would probably best understand the hardships of being undercover.

Colby looked past Will, but no one else entered the room.

“David?”Colby asked, although he had the feeling he knew the answer.

Don grimaced and shook his head.“Give him time.”

Colby pressed his lips together and nodded.David was not a person who would take his betrayal lightly, especially since David had to know that he had been Colby’s main source of information.Not to mention a very good friend.He’d seen David’s face briefly, after David had resuscitated him, and the anger and confusion in that face had been heartbreaking.

“You rang?” said a nurse at the door.

“Cheezburguh!” Nena demanded.

“No, no,” the nurse said, shaking her head.She came in with a tray that had a bowl of soup, several round containers and juice.“We aren’t sure yet how his stomach will take real food.”

“Oh,” Nena as Colby pulled his bed table over his lap.She frowned at the tray of dishes.“Iz that hewo-food?”

“Um,” the nurse said.

“It’s hero-wake-up food,” Charlie said.“Later, he’ll get real hero food.”

“‘Kay,” Nena said reluctantly.“Puddin’?”

“There’s pudding,” the nurse reassured her, pulling a lid off a small container.“See?”

Nena inspected it then nodded her approval.

“Hey, got any extra pudding?” Don asked the nurse.When she turned to look at him, he gave her one of his patented smiles.“For the little girl, of course.”

The nurse eyed him.“I’ll check.”

“Now, eat, eat!”Will said with a perfect imitation of a Jewish mother.“You’re too skinny!You need more meat on your bones!”

Colby smiled and reached for his spoon.

 


	12. Putting a Price on Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie continues his apologies.

  


 

**Part 12 – Putting a Price on Apologies** ****

The next afternoon, Charlie worked his office hours, but he was even more distracted than usual.Colby was home now, resting.He was going to be allowed to return to work on Monday, although he’d admitted to Charlie that he wasn’t looking forward to that awkwardness.

Charlie had an errand to run and he did so, then felt worse than he had before.It was finally coming home to him how badly he’d acted.He had a lot of work to do. 

When Charlie got home, he followed his nose to the kitchen where he found Will cooking, Don chopping up vegetables, and Alan slicing some bread.

Charlie cleared his throat to get their attention, then dove right in.“Hi guys, umm,” he said.“I know I’ve been kinda … not good lately.” 

Alan gave a disgusted snort.

“I know, Dad,” Charlie said.“It’s an understatement, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry.” 

“It’s not really us you need to apologize to,” Alan snapped.

“I know that, too,” Charlie said tiredly.“But I … Look, if you ever see me behaving like that again towards Colby or Nena or Amita, I give you permission—no, I _ask_ you to smack some sense into me.” 

Don grinned.“You got it, Chuck.”

“Metaphorically, I meant,” Charlie said with a small smile. 

“We’ll keep you in line,” Will teased, though with more gentleness than Charlie expected.

“Ok, good,” Charlie said, flushing a little.“Now, is Colby upstairs? 

“Yep, with Nena,” Will said.

Charlie nodded and went back to the car.He got the package from the passenger seat, took it into the house and got down one of his mother’s vases.Carefully he put the dozen red roses into the vase and filled it with water.He carried it upstairs and placed it on the counter in the bathroom. 

Then he took a deep breath and opened the bedroom door.Colby and Nena were sitting on the bed together, Nena slowly reading a book with Colby’s help.They both looked up as he entered, but Charlie smiled and waved towards the book.

Nena found her spot on the page and went back to sounding out the words of the Dr. Seuss book.Colby gave Charlie a smile and returned to the book as well.Charlie watched them, entranced by the picture.They really did look a lot alike, both in their hair and skin color, and in their smiles, the way they held their heads, their hands.It wasn’t a surprise that Charlie had felt it too hard to look at Nena while Colby’d been in jail.Not that that excused his behavior … 

They finished their book and Nena shut it with an accomplished snap.

“Wow,” Colby said, “You’ve been working hard in school!” 

“Mister Gootrez sayz maybe I shou’d skip all ‘way to secund grade next year.”

“Hmm,” Colby said.“Mr. Gutierrez and I will have to talk about that.” 

Charlie came around the bed to where Nena was. “Hi, sweetie,” Charlie said, giving her a hug.He owed her a lot of hugs.“How’s your daddy?”

“Grouchy,” Nena responded.“He wansta go runnin’ but Doctor sayz no.” 

“I’ve been running around the prison exercise yard for weeks,” Colby complained.“I want to run in fresh air!But the doctor said something about ‘traumatized nerves’ and ‘resting my endocrine system.’Cruel man.”

Charlie smiled in sympathy and said to Nena, “Honey, would you mind if your daddy and I had some alone time?I promise we’ll be down for supper later.” 

“‘Kay,” Nena said, looking between the two of them.  


“Don’t worry,” Charlie said with another hug.“I just haven’t had much time alone with him since he woke up.”

“You gonna kiss him?” Nena asked. 

“Umm,” Charlie said, not looking at Colby.“In a minute.You head on downstairs now.”

“‘Kay,” Nena said again, her eyes still troubled.She took the book and headed out of the room, closing the door carefully behind her. 

Colby looked at Charlie, his green eyes also troubled.Charlie sighed.He wanted that look to be gone, never to return.

“Hang on a sec, got something for you.”Charlie got up from the bed and went to the hall bathroom.He got the vase full of roses and self-consciously carried it back into the bedroom.He shut the bedroom door behind him then thrust the vase towards Colby.“These are for you.” 

He peeked at Colby’s face over the flowers.Colby was looking, if anything, more troubled.Charlie carried the vase over to Colby’s side of the bed and set them down on the side table.He fussed with the roses for a moment, avoiding Colby’s eyes.

“Charlie?” Colby asked when Charlie fiddled for too long. 

“I … I’m sorry,” Charlie mumbled, looking at the roses instead of Colby.“I was really wrong when I started … when I had an … an affair with Amita.I should have trusted you, waited for you.I … I was wrong.”

Colby didn’t respond so Charlie peeked at him out of the corner of his eye.Colby was looking at him, his face unreadable.Charlie had gotten used to being able to read Colby, but now Colby was giving him nothing.Charlie moved away from the flowers and sat on the edge of the bed. 

“I’m happy to say I did lie about one thing, though that sounds really weird to say that I’m happy about lying about something.”Charlie gave Colby a shaky smile.“I never had sex with Amita in this bed.I just slept, literally slept, with her here.I … I tried but … m-my body wouldn’t.We always … in my old bed, the one that’s in the guest bedroom now.”

Colby nodded but didn’t say anything.Charlie’d been hoping for more on that particular revelation. 

Charlie swallowed and continued, “I have excuses and I have reasons and I … have all that.I was angry at you and hurting and scared and … It doesn’t really matter.I messed around on you, it comes down to that.I’m sorry and it’ll never ever infinity happen again.”

That got a flicker of response from Colby, the tiniest suggestion of a smile around Colby’s lips, and Charlie took heart.“I really don’t know what to do now, Cole.I don’t know how to fix this.I hurt you bad and I hurt Nena bad and I don’t know how to fix it.I know that flowers are usually involved in apologies, and chocolate.Maybe diamonds?Diamonds are for really big apologies, I heard, and this is a really big apology.Do you want me to get you diamonds?I will.” 

The smile that had been hovering around Colby’s lips finally formed.Colby shrugged.“I like diamonds.”

“Oh!” Charlie said, with some surprise, followed by excitement.“I can do that!You want one really big diamond or lots of little ones?I mean, I suppose I should determine the method of wearing first or—” 

Colby shook his head.“There’s one thing you can get me.”

“Yes?” Charlie said eagerly. 

“It’s over there, in that black bag next to the chair.”

Charlie frowned in confusion.The bag was labeled, ‘Northcom Regional Confinement Facility,’ the jail that Colby had been kept in.Charlie got up and went over to the bag.Opening it up, he immediately saw what Colby was asking for.On top of a pile of clothing and other items was a familiar ring.The ring that Charlie had placed on Colby’s finger just a few months ago. 

Charlie reached into the bag and carefully slipped his hand under the ring as if it was a fragile soap bubble.He carried the ring with him over to his dresser.He opened a wooden box and pushed aside a tangle of watches, lapel pins and cuff links.Tucked in a corner was Charlie’s own ring.Charlie pulled it out and put it in his hand with Colby’s ring.They looked right together, just like they had the day they’d gotten them.

Charlie carried the two rings back to the bed and offered them to Colby.Colby took them both and set them on the side table next to the vase of flowers.He patted the spot on the bed next to him and Charlie sat down uncertainly.

Colby took Charlie’s hands.“I love you, Charlie.You know that, don’t you?” 

A lump formed in Charlie’s throat and he nodded, unsure of his voice.

Colby retrieved his ring from the table and held it out to Charlie.“Would you put it on, like you did before?” 

“Okay,” Charlie said in a choked voice, taking the ring and sliding it on to Colby’s finger.“I love you, too.”He lifted up the hand and kissed the finger with the ring.

“Do you want me to put yours on?” Colby asked quietly. 

“If you want …” Charlie said hesitantly.“I don’t know if I deserve to wear mine again yet, but—”

Colby picked up Charlie’s ring and gave him a crooked smile.“We’ll just declare it temporary insanity and move on.” 

Charlie smiled in relief and held out his left hand.Colby slowly slid the ring onto Charlie’s finger.It settled back into place like an old friend and Charlie realized how naked he’d felt without it.

Colby leaned over, took Charlie’s chin in one hand, and gently kissed him.It was a whisper of a kiss but it sent a shiver of joy through Charlie. 

Before Charlie could deepen the kiss, Colby pulled back.He met Charlie’s eyes, then murmured, “But if you ever take that ring off for the same reason again, I’ll scoop out your intestines with a teaspoon and feed them to you.”

Charlie gave him a small smile and nodded.“Got it.” 

“Good,” Colby said softly then kissed him again.

 


	13. White Roses for Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Amita chapter.

**Part 13 -- White Roses for Friendship** ****

Amita knew it was coming.She’d known it was coming from the moment that Colby had escaped from jail.The only way Charlie would have stayed with her was if Colby Granger ceased to exist.For a few short weeks, Colby had.And Amita had experienced a Charlie who truly paid attention to her, actually seemed to see her.Those weeks had been the happiest they’d ever been together, like she’d always dreamed.But she’d known it wouldn’t last.Charlie wasn’t meant to be hers, and her heart was the only entity that couldn’t seem to realize that.

Besides, the Charlie who’d been with her had only been a simulacrum, an artificial version of the real Charlie Eppes.Most of the time, she’d been able to ignore the falseness, but it would strike her unexpectedly, like when he saw a girl Nena’s age or when Amita walked around a corner unexpectedly or when he looked at her after sex.The sound that Charlie had made when Don had said that Colby had escaped had been the first true thing that Charlie had done in weeks.

Still, when the florist box arrived in her office, her stomach clenched.She stood, trembling, staring at the innocent white box with its purple bow.

Inside the box were a dozen white roses and a note from Charlie.It read, _I’m so sorry.I’m a total bastard.You deserve better._

Amita stared at the card, emotions rampaging through her like a million screeching monkeys.Ashamed that she’d so willingly gone to Charlie, when she knew he had only been using her.Embarrassed about what Alan and Colby and everyone else must think of her.Sad that she’d lost Charlie again.Angry that he’d casually picked her up and then discarded her.Frustrated that she was intelligent and smart but couldn’t say ‘no’ to Charlie Eppes, even when she knew it was utterly wrong.

She should be familiar with Charlie using her by now – for sex, for math help, for driving him around, for teaching his classes, for apologizing to his students, for defending him in front of other professors.It wasn’t a conscious thing, so she couldn’t hate him for it.Charlie Eppes was just the center of his own universe, and she’d been a willing satellite.

Emotions, like wild vicious monkeys, fought inside her, punching holes in her lungs and shredding her heart.

Finally, thankfully, anger won the battle.She ripped up the card and dumped the roses in the trash.

“You’re damn right, I deserve better.”

 

Friday midday and Colby was supposed to still be resting, but he told his over-seers that he needed to get out of the house, since he’d already spent five weeks in jail.

He drove to In-N-Out, so he’d have an excuse, but he hardly tasted his burger as he thought about his real errand.He doubted Charlie would approve, but it was something he had to do, before he exploded.

When he got to CalSci, Colby had to ask directions to the right office.The only office he knew was Charlie’s.He found the office and pushed open the door without knocking.Amita was standing by her desk, putting papers in a suitcase.There were a bunch of roses in the garbage can next to her.Her head came up when Colby slammed the door open and she quickly put the desk between them.She gripped her cellphone in her hand like a weapon.Colby felt a visceral satisfaction in the fear that crossed her face.

“What the hell did you think you were doing?” Colby snapped.

Amita’s eyes flashed angrily then turned hard.She leaned back against her chalkboard, folded her arms and said coolly, “He needed me.”

“Oh, yeah,” Colby said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.“He really needed you to jump into his bed.”

“Actually, yes,” she said evenly.

“You just grabbed the excuse to play house with him, just like you’ve always wanted.”

Amita’s teeth flashed in an unfriendly smile.“No, I think ‘playing house’ would be your purview, since you’ve been pretending since the beginning.How did it feel to spy on a man that you claim to love?”

“I never spied on Charlie!”

“Oh?” Amita asked, raising one perfect eyebrow.

“No!It was just the office.”

“So it’s okay that you were spying on your family and friends and team.”

Colby hissed in anger and frustration.“You can’t understand.You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Seems pretty clear to me,” Amita said archly.

“It would,” Colby said.“I had to leave, so you were there to ‘help’ Charlie.You gonna try to jump in bed with him the next time I turn my back?The next time you think he ‘needs’ you?”

“Are you planning on abandoning Charlie again so that his whole world comes crashing down and it’s up to us left behind to pick up the pieces?”

Colby snarled incoherently, wanting nothing more than to strangle the beautiful, conniving woman in front of him.He controlled himself with a body-shaking effort.“You just … you just stay away from him, from me.”

“Fine,” Amita shrugged.“I was getting bored of him, anyway.He was always more fun to chase.You’re welcome to him, neuroses and all.”

Colby snarled again and took a step forward.Amita held up her phone.“Shall I call Charlie, ask him what he thinks of you being here, threatening me?”

“I haven’t threatened you,” Colby snapped.“You’d _know_ if I threatened you.”

“Humph,” Amita sniffed.

Colby ground his teeth together, but there was nothing else to say.He turned and stomped out of the office, slamming the door behind him.

Since Colby was growling to himself as he stalked away, he didn’t hear the sound of Amita dropping the phone and crashing into a chair.He was out of the building by the time Amita began to cry, chest-wracking sobs of anger and loss and frustration.

Colby got into his car and drove to the ocean.He sat on a rock near the water for a long time, breathing in the clean, free air.By the time that Charlie called, asking if he was coming home, Colby was calm.He still hated Amita, but at least he’d gotten past the need to press his thumbs into her windpipe until she turned blue.He was even ready to admit that there might have been the tiniest bit of truth to her excuses, that she had indeed helped save Charlie’s life.But, she’d better stay away from Charlie now, or she’d find out just how threatening he could be.He wondered if the Harvard job was still open.He wondered if he could get her conscripted by the NSA.

As he drove back towards home, Colby called Charlie back to ask if he wanted him to pick up dinner.

 


	14. Normalizing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colby has a few things he needs to do before life can return to normal.

 

**Part 14 –Normalizing** ****

As they were getting ready for bed that night, Colby said quietly, “I went to see Amita today.”

Charlie whirled around and stared at Colby.“What happened?”

Colby couldn’t help a smirk at the fear on Charlie’s face.“We just talked.”

“Just—”

“Okay, yelled a little, too.”

“There was no need to yell at her,” Charlie frowned.

Colby sat on the bed, folded his arms and leaned back against the headboard.“I thought there was a need.”

“She helped me.”

“Charlie,” Colby growled.“Do you seriously expect me to have just said, ‘Hi, thanks for sleeping with my husband while I was in jail’?”

“No, but …”

“I told her to stay away from you,” Colby said flatly.

Charlie blinked.“But, she’s a friend of mine, a good friend.We work together—”

“Goddamn it, Charlie,” Colby snapped.“She’s no friend.She used you when you were vulnerable.When you needed a shoulder to cry on, she moved into your bed.” 

“No,” Charlie snapped in reply, folding his own arms.“I used _her_.”

“You weren’t in any state to be rational.”

Charlie’s jaw clenched.“Don’t you dare say, ‘Poor Charlie,’ and excuse me from decisions like I’m a child.”

Colby bit his tongue on the things that wanted to spill out of his mouth.That Charlie certainly acted like a child sometimes, that Charlie was blind to the fact that Amita was manipulative and shameless, that Charlie should be glad he didn’t break Amita’s neck.

After a tense moment, Colby blew out a long breath and unfolded his arms.“Charlie,” Colby said tiredly, “You gotta let me be mad at someone.If I don’t, I’m gonna explode.”

Charlie’s jaw slowly unclenched.He climbed up onto the end of the bed and wrapped his arms around his pajama-clad knees.“That hardly seems fair,” he said quietly.“To blame her for all of it.”

Colby gave a wry shrug.“Hardly worrying about being fair, at the moment.If I started complaining about things that aren’t fair – like trying to serve my country and ending up hurting my friends – I’d never stop.”

Charlie nodded in silent agreement.They sat for a moment, not looking at each other.

Finally, Colby said, “Just … just stay away from her for a while, okay?”

“Not for forever?”

Colby sighed.“For now, okay?”

Charlie grimaced.“I can, I can do that.I already sent her flowers and an apology.”

Colby frowned.“A bunch of white roses?”

Charlie’s eyebrows drew together in confusion.

“They were in her garbage,” Colby informed him dryly.

“Oh,” Charlie said.Then, unexpectedly, he smiled.“Good place for them, I guess.”

In spite of himself, Colby found himself responding to that smile.“Good place,” he agreed and held out his arms.“C’mere, Angel.I don’t wanna think or talk about that b—about Amita anymore.”

Smiling, Charlie crawled up the bed to him and they tucked themselves under the covers.Colby held Charlie tightly, breathing in Charlie’s familiar scent, his warmth.Charlie cuddled as close to him as possible.They lay together, relaxing, reconnecting.Charlie placed a soft kiss on Colby’s chest then snuggled in deeper.

Colby was almost asleep when Charlie mumbled, “Great, now who’s gonna turn off the light?”

 

The next day, Charlie came back from doing some catch-up work at CalSci to find Colby sitting on the bed, looking at something on the laptop, and surrounded by neat piles of clean laundry.The house smelled of bleach and detergent and every carpet was marked with vacuum tracks.

“Feel like doing some cleaning?”Charlie said in bemusement.

“Yeah,” Colby replied, still looking at the computer.

“Oh,” Charlie said.He stuck his head into the closet to discover a bunch of his clothes were missing.

“I took a load to the dry cleaners,” Colby said.

“Oh,” Charlie said again.It didn’t take a degree in psychology to figure out that Colby was purging the house of Amita’s presence.

“Come look at this,” Colby said.

Charlie moved a pile of shirts onto his lap and sat next to Colby.

Colby pointed to something on the screen.“I think we should get this for Nena.”

Charlie’s eyes followed Colby’s finger and he frowned thoughtfully.“I don’t know.Don’t you think she’ll break it?Or lose it?”

“We can get a sturdier chain,” Colby said.“And she’s not too bad at taking care of things she really values, like her bracelet.”

Charlie stared at the screen for another moment before nodding decisively.“Get it sent Next-Day-Air.”

“Yeah,” Colby said then added with a smile.“Now, since you’re holding that pile of laundry …”

 

That evening, Colby begged off a dinner invitation.He was still tired and not up to – as he told Charlie – “Having any Larry conversations.”

Don, Alan and Charlie met Larry at a restaurant, quite decadent after the surroundings that Charlie had grown used to seeing Larry in.Charlie relaxed, enjoying the easy camaraderie after a stressful week – which had been preceded by many stressful weeks.

When Alan proposed a toast to Colby being one of the good guys, everyone else smiled and raised their glasses. 

Before they drank, Charlie added, “In that case, to Don’s instincts.”

Don responded, “Yeah, and your trust metric.”

Don met Charlie’s eyes, and Charlie knew that Don hadn’t been fooled.Don had let him run with his trust metric just to give him something to do.Charlie felt a rush of gratitude, and realized that he’d never thanked Don – or David, for that matter – for saving Colby’s life.

Larry started asking about the Friendship Math and Charlie got distracted for a while.However, when it came time to pay for dinner, Charlie grabbed the bill.“It’s on me.”

Don laughed.“Usually I have to forget my wallet for you to pay.”

“Then _I_ usually end up paying,” Alan said wryly.

“Yeah,” Don agreed with a smile.“To what do we owe this largesse?”

Charlie looked at Don.“Just … thanks.Thanks for bringing him back to me.”

Don sobered.“You bet, buddy.Bringing him back to all of us.”

“Amen,” Larry said and Alan nodded.

Charlie glanced at the bill then threw a bunch of cash on it and stood up, suddenly in a hurry to get home.Colby was there.

 


	15. Big Things Come in Small Packages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colby, Charlie and Nena spend the day together.

**Part 15 of 15 – Big Things Come in Small Packages**

Saturday Charlie and Colby did errands and paperwork and stuff like that.Colby was amazed how much had accumulated in just five weeks.Thankfully, Alan had paid some of the bills, so they still had electricity and water and cable.

They picked up a big load of clothing from the dry cleaners, with its sharp, chemical, _non-Amita_ smell.They took Nena shopping for some more shoes.She’d hardly scuffed the previous pair before out-growing them.They went to the grocery store and the farmer’s market.They picked up a photo that Colby had taken in to be framed so many weeks ago.They went back to the grocery store for forgotten toothpaste and eggs then got gas in Charlie’s Prius before he could run out again.Colby soaked in the shear domesticity of it all.

Alan put together a BBQ for dinner, inviting the rest of the family, including Monster, plus Megan and Larry and Liz and David.David didn’t come, something Colby was going to have to deal with at work on Monday, but the rest of the evening was full of laughter and gentle teasing.Colby and his ‘secret spy stuff’ was the butt of many jokes, but he could deal with that.Pretending nothing had happened would have been much worse.

  


Sunday was all his.Colby got up early and went running.The familiar quiet streets soothed him in a way nothing yet had.They said ‘this is right’ and ‘you’re back home.’Colby returned home and showered and was humming under his breath as he made waffles and heard the first stirrings of the rest of the house.He set the kitchen table for four and went back to his cooking.

He was extricating the first waffle from the waffle iron when he heard a shuffling at the doorway.He looked up to see a sleep-tousled Nena in her pink Curious George pajamas.She padded across the kitchen and wrapped her arms around Colby’s waist.

“Hi, sweetie,” Colby said with a smile as she seemed to fall asleep again, leaning against him.“How about you go sit down and I’ll give you the first—” The waffle partially stuck in the waffle iron, as the first waffle always did.“I’ll give you _pieces_ of the first waffle.”

Colby gestured with his hip when she didn’t move, since his hands were full.“Go ahead and sit down, sweetie.”

Nena grumbled something but went and pulled out a chair.Colby dropped the pieces of waffle on her plate then got her a glass of orange juice.

“Morning,” Charlie mumbled.Colby smiled as Charlie wandered into the kitchen, wearing the purple pony pajamas that Colby had gotten him for his birthday.

Charlie got himself some milk and the blueberry syrup then sat down next to Nena.He smiled sleepily as he watched Colby pour the batter into the waffle iron.

“What do you want to do today?” Colby asked.

Charlie contemplated the question.Or maybe he was just contemplating Colby.

“I thought the three of us might go to the zoo,” Colby said.“I read that those Sumatran tiger cubs are supposed to be out now where you can see them.”

“Sounds good,” Charlie said.

Colby leaned against the counter and grinned at Charlie.“Why do I get the feeling that you would have said that even if I proposed a monster truck rally?”

“‘Cause I would have,” Charlie said simply.He reached over and smoothed back Nena’s hair, which was threatening to fall in her maple syrup.“Want to do that?” he asked Nena.

“Monster trucks?” Nena asked.

“No, no,” Charlie said quickly, betraying his dislike for noisy truck rallies.“Baby tigers.”

“Ooh,” Nena said.“Yeah.”

Colby smiled and the waffle iron dinged.

  


Shortly after 10AM, the three of them were walking hand-in-hand through the zoo.Nena was in between Charlie and Colby, the only way they could keep her from racing ahead.Nena occasionally swung on their hands without notice, nearly jerking their arms out of their sockets.They were headed where everyone else was – the tiger enclosure.

The baby tigers were indeed utterly adorable, in an ‘I’m cuddly now but will soon be able to rip your throat out’ way.Nena leaned over the railing as far as she could and Colby held on to the back of her shirt.

One of the zookeepers came out to talk to the crowd and Nena ran over to hear her.Colby stepped out of the way and put his arm around Charlie.He ignored several odd looks sent his way and pulled Charlie closer.

“Hey, Cole,” Charlie asked quietly.“I was wondering … Was my work part of your ‘cherry-picked’ information to pass on to the Chinese?”

“Uh,” Colby said, flushing.“A few times.Kirkland liked it because it looked meaningful without being useful for what they wanted.”

Charlie nodded thoughtfully.“Hope I don’t see it show up in some journal as someone else’s work.”

Colby gave him a wry smile.“That’s unlikely.”

“Probably right,” Charlie said and relaxed against him.

Nena came racing back to them, words spilling from her mouth before she was even within hearing distance.“… canna take one home ‘cause their ‘dangered which meanz that people shoot ‘em but I’z gonna be a tiger doctor ‘n go save ‘dem ‘n haf my own i-land for tigers only but you can visit.”

Colby grinned at her.“A tiger doctor, eh?”

“Uh-huh, and sumaatren tigers haf webb’d feet ‘n like to swim ‘n maybe Monster iz part tiger.”

Colby laughed, released Charlie and swung Nena up into his arms.“Maybe Monster is part tiger.You want to see the rest of the big cats?”

“Bigger ‘dan Monster?”

“Much bigger.”

“Yeah,” Nena said and wiggled down to the ground again.“C’mon!”

After the big cats, they had to ride the train then go to a World of Birds show and the petting zoo.Then was lunch – some over-priced, over-cooked hamburgers that tasted wonderful in comparison to jail food – and the snake house, orangutans and back to the baby tigers, though they were sleeping now.

Colby could sympathize and Charlie and Nena looked tired too as they finally dragged themselves to the car.

Everyone perked up, though, when Colby pulled up to a gelato store.They drove with their cups of the Italian ice cream out to the park near their house and sat on the swings.After they finished their gelato, they dumped the cups in the garbage and Colby led them to a bench.They sat, with Nena between Colby and Charlie.

Colby took Nena’s hand.“Nena,” he said solemnly.“I want you to know something.The last five weeks have been horrible for all of us, but I promise you that they are _never_ going to happen again.”

Nena looked at him and her eyes suddenly seemed old, like someone who had heard too many promises in her life.

Colby felt a tightness in his throat.“Nena-bear, I promise, a big important really-true promise, that I will never leave you again like that.”

“Me, too,” Charlie said quietly.“I will never leave you again, either.”

Nena looked back and forth between them, her lower lip between her teeth.

Colby reached into his pocket and brought out a little box.“This doesn’t make our promises more true, but if you ever need reminding of them, maybe you could look at this.”He opened the box to reveal a three-heart pendant.Each of the three hearts – pink gold, yellow gold and white crystal – looped through the other two hearts.“This is us, baby.You, me and Charlie.”

He held out the box and Nena took it slowly.She looked at it for a moment and Colby tried not to hold his breath.

Finally, she looked up.Her lashes were wet with tears.“Which … which one iz me?”

“What, honey?” Colby asked, wiping her cheek.

She pointed to the three-heart necklace.“Which one iz me?”

Colby’s lips trembled and he swallowed to hold back his own tears.“Which one do you want to be?”

“The diamon’ one,” she said immediately.

“That’s you, then,” Colby said.

“An’ you iz the pink one ‘cause it’s biggest and Charlie is the gold one.”

“Cool,” Charlie said with his own watery smile.

“Want me to put it on?” Colby asked.

Nena nodded and Colby carefully fastened the necklace around her neck.She held up the hearts, looking closely at them.She dropped the pendant so that it hung against her T-shirt and asked, “What about you ‘n Charlie?”

“What do you mean, sweetie?”

“What ‘ll make you ‘member the promise?”

Colby smiled crookedly and held out his right hand.“This ring,” he said, pointing to his wedding band.

“And mine,” Charlie said, holding out his hand as well.“Just to make extra sure that we keep our promises, we’ll never ever take them off.”

Above Nena’s head, their eyes met and the conviction in Charlie’s eyes made Colby’s heart ache with emotion.

“Yeah,” Colby said weakly.

Colby looked back to Nena to see her watching him with a big grin on her face.“Go ‘head and kiss ‘im,” she said.

Colby chuckled and leaned over Nena to meet Charlie who was leaning towards him.The light touch of Charlie’s lips held more passion and promise than any deep, fiery kiss.He pulled back and smiled at Charlie.Charlie smiled back and Colby found himself, like he had first so long ago, drowning in the depth of those big, brown eyes.

Nena hopped off the bench.“Let’z go home,” she said, taking both of their hands and pulling them towards the sidewalk.

Pointing towards the parking lot in the opposite direction, Charlie protested, “But we drove here!”

“Doesn’ matter how we’z got here, jus’ where we’re goin’,” Nena said blithely.

Colby stared at her then at Charlie then they both started laughing.

“Out of the mouths of babes,” Charlie said.

“Yeah,” Colby said, shaking his head.

“We’z goin’ ta wa’k home,” Nena said, swinging their hands.“‘Den youse gonna ask Gran’pa Alan ta read ta me until I fall ‘sleep and youse gonna go lock duh bedroom door ‘n haf some Daddy ‘n Charlie ‘lone time.”

Colby and Charlie laughed again, their eyes meeting with a different kind of warmth.

“I’d never dare to argue with her,” Charlie said with a grin.

“Me, either,” Colby grinned back.

Nena whooped and they swung her up into the air between them.

* * *

[This is Nena's necklace.](http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i182/irena_adler/LJ/170-11371.jpg)


End file.
